Recently, it's been a battle between good and rough times mixed in a lovely pudding blend. As I've mentioned before I have moved on into a new school and career path which I would have wanted to follow long ago but this has not been easy, I've experienced the first semester so far at boy was it challenging! I can't complain because it is what I want to do for the rest of my life so I'm ready to bare with it. Tomorrow I will be starting my subsidiary in textiles which I'm quite frankly terrified of since I don't have the SLIGHTEST clue what to do, but everyone is entitled to learning I guess. I finished my first term of presentations and final projects which was quite nerve wrecking since I never had to do it before but quickly got the hang of it. Then it was over and I was relieved. Then it was followed by a week of freedom/Progress Week, which is a week entitled to community service whereby each student was allotted a school to paint in and Francesca and I created a painting of Winnie the Pooh on a board: shown below:
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| painted Winnie the Pooh board |
This week "off" was hard for me. Harder then most weeks have ever been. A LOT was placed on my plate, basically Gian was in the middle of exams leaving me unable to contact him and talk whenever I felt slightly upset/lonely/or just wanted a plane chat. He was mostly my shoulder to lean on and laugh a little when I didn't really feel like doing much else, but I didn't really have that there any more, because he had his own stressful exams to deal with, and I don't blame him. in the mean time my father had been saying a few pretty mean comments which threw me off the edge, and its officially been a week since we've spoken to each other.
My parent's fought quite badly, and even though this had happened in the past as it does to many couples, this time it was different. This time the whole family was involved in his anger and it was hurtful way beyond what I could normally deem 'acceptable'. He specifically said the words "I dread coming home", "din mhix hajja", "imdejjaq sal ponta ta zob.." which hurt me more than i ever expected words like that to come out of HIS mouth to hurt, because i understand he has a short temper, and I understand he says things without thinking but I simply could not let this one pass no matter how much i tried to tell myself it was ok and was angry. Something told me it was not right that he was talking about his family in that manner while screaming at the very top of his lungs. It sounded very sincere and he has, up until this point, still not apologised for what he said, actually, he thinks its OK not to speak to me and act as if I'M the one in the wrong, but I'm not about to take it!
There are so many things i would like to tell him about parenting and being a good parent and respect but I know he would simply not understand, and for however harsh this post may seem about him, he does have great qualities such as he is successful and has built a house ans bank account from scratch but what he fails to understand is that this alone does not make you a good parent, it's understanding, love and respect along with communication that do. I hear him say things to my mother which I would NEVER want to be heard said to me in any circumstance whatsoever, accepting those words, however, is her prerogative. I just feel like I shouldn't be subjected to listening to them because he shouldn't say them in the first place. One instance is in which my mother tried her best to cook soup all morning, specifically the ones he likes, using the ingredients he likes, and the consistency which he likes, which is fine and normal I suppose since she aims to please, the part which i could not understand was that as soon as the plate was placed in front of him, his words where "Ma stajtx sajjartu seigha qabel ha jilhaq jibred???" as opposed to: "Grazzi" it brings me to wonder what on earth gives him the right to tell her these things on a DAILY and she not being able to tell him otherwise.. As i said, accepting those words is HER prerogative but I don't thing I should be subjected to it as often as I am.
There are SOO many things I wish I could tell him and I wish they could be received in a mature, understanding manner as opposed to the usual bursts of screaming in response to every argument. The positive thing i may pull out of this is that I will learn to be the best parent I can be with my children, and prove myself capable to MYSELF that i am worthy of a good family and I do love coming home to my children and husband. Moral of the story for me is: Parenting is NOT about money.
So since moving out has been a MAJOR wishlist item this week, I will post a picture of a house since there is nothing that could be more valuable to me at this moment in time than a house. I specify, not a HOME, because you BUILD a home with love and caring people, and I feel lost and my vision has been blared slightly of what is acceptable and what is not within one, but i will build mine one day, and it will be a home to me and my family.
P.S. something i could not go by without mentioning is, the most important thing in my life is my mother. I get emotional simply mentioning it but she is truly the person I live for, the person that makes my days better and the person i can never be mad at for more than a few hours. She makes me laugh more than anything in the world and most of all she is ALWAYS there for me when i need her! Mum's should learn a thing or two from her and I hope to be a Quarter of the mum she is to me.
I cry one more time this week.
Happy New Year
